random bits

While driving, I heard the first report that Nicholas Berg’s body had been returned to the US. I wondered out loud – what about the head? I did this many times that day as it went around on the various news channels. I am still wondering about the head.
Jesus ate and drank but did not defecate.
– Valentinus
Yes, it is wonderful that the church cleared that up; but what about all the other bodily functions? I must say, I am impressed that they cared enough to clear that detail up. What have they had to say about wet dreams? I’m sure someone has mentioned that.
Al is a mean cocksucker for sure but I can’t help noticing that he gets out of bed in the morning, in his obviously unlaundered long-johns and proceeds to piss in a chamber pot. He is getting back-splash all over his feet. Try it and then tell me I’m wrong. Louis XIV at Versailles, used to piss out the window and try to hit someone walking by. I would have written that into Deadwood – can’t you see Al doing that? They should have consulted me.
One of the best boxing ring names I have heard in a long time: “Concrete” – Kind of sums it up. “And then, I makes the mutha-fucka kiss the curb”
“Blood Meridian” is now available as a “modern library” edition in hardback. Harold Bloom has written the introduction. Makes me want to take his class at Yale.
I am so happy that gas prices have gone up so I can have the pleasure of laughing at the assholes driving SUV’s to pick up bread and milk at the grocery store. I have been waiting to find one of those monsters with a save the enviroment bumper sticker or something similar. Guns are a good thing.
As President I would raise the gas price to $5.00 a gallon and use the extra to undo the damage that little w has done to the economy. The whiney business men who cry foul because they use there “cars” for business? Fuck em. They can write it off on their taxes. Poor people? Around here they take the bus or walk to “work”. Lets keep in mind – the excess from the gas tax. I think I can figure out how to cover the truely disadvantaged.
Why do we face the doors on elevators? I have taken to getting in a corner away from the doors and making sobbing noises. Makes the trip much more interesting.
How about those Minnesota Twins!

The variety of swearing

Lets make this clear: everybody swears, yes some more than others – construction workers, the homies hangin on the corner, someone with tourettes syndrome, etc. and there are those who swear only occasionally. Anyone who maintains that not once has a bit of “bad” language passed their lips is full of shit; a lot of it. My mother doesn’t swear a lot for example, but she does. She hates the word “fuck” and I’ve been reprimanded for using it in conversation. However – when she really desperately needs to make a point…. you get the concept.
There is a scene in the movie “A Christmas Story” (Jean Shepard’s writing – some of the funniest stuff around) where the kids father is down in the basement wrestling with the coal furnace and you hear the equivalent of writing #?!!*$@+!##”~! ; just a bunch of double-talk nonsense for the PG rating. The narrator says something like: when it comes to swearing, my father worked with words the way a great artist uses oils or a sculptor works with clay; his medium was profanity.
Recently I have returned to working on a car – the mechanical side of me. It had lain dormant since high-school. While replacing a front brake wheel cylinder and having a bit of trouble, I was helping myself with encouraging strings of really, really bad words. It hit me right then that I was using a unique combination of expletives. I came to realize that I have “working on the MG” profanity. What a concept! and as I pondered it more, came to recognize that I have special situational language unique to a lot of activities. Think about it; it’s fun! Some examples: driving – choice phrases are used then and only then. Asshole is a prominent word; usually preceded by “you ought to be put to sleep”. Asshole is almost a pronoun. Usually it is used for men and often combined with “fucking” Women get bitch with fucking or goddamn, actually, more often with both words. Upon hearing something really annoying; something that is going to upset my plans, perhaps: Then I get spiritual. First comes a prolonged aawwww… followed by: jesus (I’m not too put out yet -or a simple shit, when I’m not religious) then it expands depending on the degree of annoyance – jesus christ; jesus fucking christ; goddamn fucking jesus christ – if it is worse than that then things get very creative, but somehow that jesus guy stays with me. I saw a painting of “The circumcision of the lord” and underneath the caption read “Really? He yelled out his own name?”
When I drop something or miss a note or some other small, isolated mistake, what comes out is very close to spitting. Just one word is enough; said very quickly and with heavy emphasis one the first letter: “shit” “fuck” etc. Akin to the sound of a race car passing by at very high speed. If the little mistake repeats itself then the ante is upped and from there on it gets progressively more creative.
Then there is the issue of volume. Those little one word bits are almost whispers at times, because the moment is fairly intimate and personal. To my great surprise and probably what led me to this epiphany, is that my “mechanics” profanity is extremely loud and violent and doesn’t go through the usual development section. Loud and unique. So loud that on occasion I have quickly looked to make sure that one of the cute neighborhood kids wasn’t lingering about. The string of words is completely baffling because I am dealing with both myself and a bunch of inanimate objects. It is really, really entertaining – almost as if someone has taken control of my voice.
So play the game: what language is used with each event and how do the circumstances alter the creative process? And to all of you who say that people who swear do so because they haven’t the capacity to express themselves any other way: “I’m extremely annoyed and quite beside myself, almost to the point of apoplexy because I can’t get this 3/4 inch spanner to even begin to budge this recalcitrant nut” – just doesn’t cut it. It is way too pleonastic. “goddamn fucking shit” is elegant and to the point of the matter. So eat shit and die mother fucker.


The good Professor’s observation that we, with some shame, hope for the US invading forces to get slaughtered to somehow prove or comment on, the immorality of the current administrations foolish enterprise, is well taken.
It was very disappointing when it became clear that the Iraqis didn’t have some weapon – a smallish thermonuclear device or the plague – that they could unleash and not only take out the invading forces but with strong prevailing winds, take out a big chunk of humanity. That would have been grand entertainment. News at eleven!! Stay tuned!! The idea of rooting for the other team creates a bit of cognitive dissonance.
But our “team” – the cheney/rummy/dubya,etc. cocksuckers – well; they aren’t our team, now are they? And I’m not so sure about the spineless democrats either. They have caved in to the simple minded school-yard trick of using generally accepted platitudes to be defeated and silenced. Aren’t you a good patriot? Don’t you love the good ole USA? Why are you sitting on the visitors side of the gym? Where is your flag and why isn’t it on display? You must not support our troops!
We watch car races in hopes of a really good crash and when it happens, it is on the news, in slo-mo, over and over again. I watch and any cocksucker who says they don’t, is a pile of fermented horse shit lyin jack-off. It is our nature. We are curious about such things. (a brief aside: if you want to indulge your curiousity about the look of human carnage, accidents, self-inflicted gun shot wounds, etc, go to rotten.com – this is a Vernon T. Bludgeon approved site)
Back to the subject at hand – Iraq. People are getting killed. You read it here first. Why should I feel more remorse at the loss of an american as opposed to an Iraqi? And why the fuck should we give huge coverage to the death of an ex-football player who gave up his multi-mil contract to play soldier. Why him? I want to know about the poor child who found a bit of hope by joining the army to get a step up. The press seems enamored of the fact that he gave up the money as if that makes him an even bigger hero. He chose his way to die; his right and privledge. If he had given up the money and then committed suicide would we still think highly of him? Oh yes – he died for a good cause. Bullshit. He died for a stupid ridiculous invasion of another country by our nascent dictatorship. If he thought that he was fighting for the “homeland” (why didn’t they just call it the fatherland?) or to bring democracy to a region that couldn’t give a shit about democracy, then he did committ suicide. Or was monumentally stupid or read too many G.I Joe comics as a child. I read a lot of Dr. Squirm Finger the Proctologist comics when I was young but you don’t see me signing up to exam sphincters do you?
We don’t want anyone to die and we certainly don’t want to belong to a club that sends children off to kill people and get killed just for the club leadership’s amusement. Hussein gassed his “own” people. Yeah? So we are noble and order the deaths of our own people by invading another country? And when things are going badly and it is obvious that we shouldn’t have ever done this, we send more kids off to the machine? Rather than admitting our folly and withdrawing?
rant, rant, rant. I need to relax so I’m going to a calming, inspirational movie – the one where they beat the shit out of jesus. Now that is what it is all about. A good wholesome sense of what the world should aspire to. Violence with a message?

Color and Boxing

I first became aware of the beauty of boxing in the mid-fifties. The “Friday Night Fights” sponsored by Gillette “Blue-Blades”. My father and great-uncle made it a ritual: Dad chain smoking Luckies and drinking bourbon (straight, if you nancy boys were wondering) and my uncle smoking his pipe (Granger Rough-Cut) and sipping blackberry brandy. I was supposed to be in bed but would sneak downstairs and watch/hide from the doorway. What an exotic scene: a room full of smoke and the two grown men in my life watching a snowy black and white TV screen and yelling as the two men on the TV tried to fucking beat the shit out of each other.
It was a religious moment.
Back in those days of black white and shades of gray, the fighters were in the “light” or “dark” trunks that usually had their names in bold letters on the waistbands. It was the south then, when it was “did you see that nigger hit that white boy? Man, them niggers can box” Ingmar Johannsen was the hero but Floyd Patterson and Sonny Liston came along and the white boys had to admit that those coons could pack a punch. And then came a guy named Clay who beat Liston and I was amazed that these white trash – I – hate – niggers types were actually upset. Maybe that was the beginning of the realization that niggers weren’t all that bad; well, some of them – “not the uppity ones”. Ah, those were the halcyon days of my youth.
I was watching the HBO fights tonight and remembered the professors early bit about the “fighter in the blue trunks with the whitish golden tassles and the fighter in the blue trunks with…” (or something like that) and the advent of color hit me over the head. My! How things used to be easier before color. Maybe TV should go back to black and white. Blood is just a really a really dark color. “Raging Bull” is a great work of art – the slo-mo of liquid squirting out of pummeled noses is just like the Friday Night Fights of my childhood.
What to do now? The boxers are from everywhere and every “race” but we have to be PC and not notice that one is a square-headed-retarded looking former commie russkie and the other is a cauliflower-eared, puffy eyed, white double-wide trailer trash from northern Maine. Now did you notice that I didn’t mention the gook in the red corner and the mick in the blue corner?

tim & georgie

I almost got out of bed this morning to watch dubya talk with tim russert. But I thought better of it and went back to dreamland. I am very religious and every Sunday attend the church of Our Lady of the Holy Mattress. I saw excerpts of the interview on the news and as I figured, it just made me shout at the tube. After the bay of pigs debacle JFK simply said – sorry, my fault – and then made sure he didn’t do that again. Got rid of the advisors who had led him astray and picked people he could trust to be honest. Unfortunately, dubya doesn’t think for himself and therefore can’t follow that example. I am heartened by the recent polls but I still don’t think anybody can survive the massive corporate propaganda, donation driven machine of the dubya. I despair.
A great statesman of recent history said (I paraphrase, sorry) “It is the great fortune for government that the people don’t think” How true, how true. As it was then, it is now.
The people who wave the flag the hardest and cheer the tax cuts are the least able to survive. They are the lottery ticket buyers who routinely throw away $50 to a $100 dollars every week. Even more aggravating when they slow the line at the boozeteria. I’m all for gambling; the more casinos the better – put slot machines on street corners. Make all of it legal but let the government take charge! Can’t we all be indians?? I’m a member of the Slipskabonerupdepoopshute’s tribe. Here in CT they invent tribes all the time. It has become a cottage industry.
Then we can cut taxes to the bone and sit back and watch the anti-tax folks throw their money into the governments coffers. And they will do it without realizing what is happening. William Bennet can urge them on.
Back to the people interfering with my purchase of a nice Vernaccia from San Gimignano – I often want to ask them to give me the money if they don’t really want it but they just get all testy. OK, I can see the reaction coming about how manipulative this concept is – the lets get rid of gambling period folks who protest the exploitation of the masses. I agree. But when you consider that these masses are the same people who want to get rid of all taxation so they can spend their money as they choose?
So the great statesman, much admired in certain circles and considered one the most influential leaders of the 20th century that I quoted?? Adolph Hitler.

blog bog

The blog is bogged down. Maybe more writers could be invited to blog?
Nobody knows what happens to us when we die. Nobody has died and come back to tell us about it. The Jesus story is myth and/or completely unprovable. For me the only reason I can see for religion is the fear of death. My question is: If we knew for sure what death is like and what happens, would religion still exist?
Blog on and yes,I can think of other reasons for religion but that is not what I am asking. Anyone out there have a “near death” experience?

It’s the nipple, stupid.

Janet Jackson’s breast – which I am ashamed to say I missed. Yes, I did watch the super bowl but skipped the intermission because I am an intellectual snob. Watching a bunch of huge steroid enhanced men slam into each other over and over again does have a certain charm, though.
So the media and everyone, it seems, are all in a tizzy about seeing a nipple. Women have nipples? The local news just referred to it as an X-rated show. I have heard “pornographic” also. It isn’t about her breast and I wish someone would point that out. You can see breasts exposed all the time on TV; sometimes completely, except for the nipple. TLC (my apologies to non-tv types – “The Learning Channel”) has a wonderful show about emergency rooms and what goes on. It is very graphic and very interesting if you aren’t bothered by lots of blood. Often the accident victim has his/her clothes cut off by the doctors and TLC fuzzes out 1. Nipples on women (the rest of the breast is exposed) and 2. Dicks, penises, schlongs, units, baby-makers, johnsons, peckers, etc. (Hey!! Lets see how many terms we can come up with). Interestingly though, men’s nipples are OK to show. They tend to look like women’s nipples, in case you haven’t noticed. It’s dangerous to show women’s nipples. X-rated and pornographic.
How silly. Nobody has said anything about the streaker. What’s with that? You know – if god had meant us to go around naked, we would have been born that way. Sometimes I think that it is all a joke or there is vast conspiracy and the entire US is pulling my leg. Bush. Bush. How many definitions can you come up with? See! you all have dirty filthy minds and he is our president.
I was in the National Gallery in London and a boy of about 6 or 7 was running from painting to painting and in a loud voice exclaiming “Ooh, mummy, look at the boobies on this one”! and the “mummy” said “Yes dear, they’re very nice but lets speak quietly”

dumbing down

Language rant: I agree professor, in the end we are all just a bag of rotting flesh. However, if someone calls me an elitist or intellectual snob, I thank them. In case you haven’t noticed America is rapidly declining in culture, morality and intellect. Remember: you read it here first! The US ranks 49th in literacy of the 158 members of the UN. A rough estimate is that 60% of American adults have never (yes never) read a book of any kind and only 6% reads as much as one book a year – book can be anything – romance novel, self help, etc. Jay Leno asked questions, a series of eight actually, to students after a college graduation ceremony (college gratefully un-named). One of the questions was “How many moons does the earth have?” One woman said that she had taken an astronomy course a couple of years back but couldn’t remember the answer. “What was the Gettysburg Address”? one student: an address to Getty; another: I don’t know the exact address. I find this all unbelievable. 6% of adults went to the theater at least once so far; 3% to the opera (no surprise there). It goes on and on. There is a terrific book by Morris Berman titled “The Twilight of American Culture” some of this information was mined (stolen! plagiarised) from that work. I highly recommend the book.
So, our language reflects some of our descent into idiocy. “Have a good one”. Overused by everyone. I think that people could be a little more creative if they tried – “hope your wife has the clap and you have a pleasant evening”. I grew up in the south and “Y’all come back now, heah?” was heard alot and after the 50th time became tiring, too. In certain parts of the country you will “where’s it at?”. Charming but it ain’t not good speechefying.
It just isn’t his “for-tay”. The word is forte – italian – loud to musicians. It just isn’t his loud? Excuse me? It should be “fort” : thanks goes to George Carlin for that observation. Language reflects our thought processes; grows from our intellectual search; is the one thing that seperates us from the rest of the creatures on earth. Now lets not trot out the old whale song argument. If language becomes simplified to accomodate the uneducated, the marginally illiterate then we are in deep trouble.
Oh my happy bloggers, just wait until I get to religion. Now there is where the dumbed down really live. The press has come forth with numerous opinion columns about the christians, jews and islam all having the same god. “We are all the sons of Abraham” Oh really? Just him? Sarah wasn’t involved? And lets not forget Hagar while we are at it.

death of language

Small language rant:
“How will this impact our company”? Sorry, that is wrong and doesn’t make much sense. There is a tendency to dumb down language as if it is cute to do so. In the process, words or syllables get lopped off. In the example: what happened to the word “affect”? If they want to use “impact” then they need a few more words as in: “what sort of impact will this have on the company”.
Next: “invites”: “did you send out the invites Skeezik”? The abbreviation works fine if you say it with a southern accent and spit afterwords. “Invitations” just isn’t that much of a tongue twister to be abandoned. Gotcher invite to the cross burnin floyd.
The queen mother of current language idiocy is the term “from the get go” (or fum de git go). What pitiful soul came up with that one? Sophisticated businessmen (I know – that’s an oxymoron) use it all the time. Again it leads me to think that a bit of tobacco juice may be coming my way when I hear that expression. Ah hell, Billy I node yur wife was yur sister fum de git go. Yee-haw!
There are many, many more. “Have a good one”! said cheerily by just about every check-out person. A good what?? I usually say “Thanks, but I have other plans” and leave them staring blankly into space, the trickle of tobacco juice starting to bubble at the corner of the mouth.
“You know what I’m sayin?” – “I hear you” – “well, if you ask me…” (fuck you, I didn’t nor was I even thinking of asking you) – “that’s what I always say”. The list grows and grows, doesn’t it.
Add your favorites and we’ll see how they impact this blog. This blog has been a good one from the git go and I invitation you to participate. Know what I’m sayin?

How do I pray like bush?

There was a picture, black and white, in some publication recently that showed the dear leader with his cabinet before the festivities had begun and they were all praying. I was entranced by the image – they were perfectly composed – all in a row. Their heads were bowed at the same angle; hands held in a posture signifying their humbleness; eyes squinched tightly closed. They all wore the same uniform but because it was in B&W I couldn’t make out the color of the ties. I’m sure they were the same. Look – I can’t join in praying like the leader of the free world if my tie isn’t the correct color; don’t you agree? Sometimes it is red, sometimes blue. If anyone can help me with my problem or has a thought/guess about the correct color I would be more than grateful for the help. Oh! I almost forgot – what the fuck are they praying for?