Vernon T. Bludgeon

As the one year anniversary of the invasion comes around, and Ministry of Truth a/k/a the Whitehouse loudly congratulates itself for its heroic deeds on behalf of freedom and democracy in Iraq, I thought it a good time to resurrect this little gem that circulated on the Internet around this time last year.

IMMEDIATE ATTENTION NEEDED :
HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL

FROM: GEORGE WALKER BUSH
202.456.1414 / 202.456.1111
FAX: 202.456.2461

DEAR SIR / MADAM,

I AM GEORGE WALKER BUSH, SON OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA GEORGE HERBERT WALKER BUSH, AND
CURRENTLY SERVING AS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF
AMERICA. THIS LETTER MIGHT SURPRISE YOU BECAUSE WE HAVE NOT
MET NEITHER IN PERSON NOR BY CORRESPONDENCE. I CAME TO KNOW
OF YOU IN MY SEARCH FOR A RELIABLE AND REPUTABLE PERSON TO
HANDLE A VERY CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS TRANSACTION, WHICH
INVOLVES THE TRANSFER OF A HUGE SUM OF MONEY TO AN ACCOUNT
REQUIRING MAXIMUM CONFIDENCE.

I AM WRITING YOU IN ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE PRIMARILY TO SEEK
YOUR ASSISTANCE IN ACQUIRING OIL FUNDS THAT ARE PRESENTLY
TRAPPED IN THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ. MY PARTNERS AND I SOLICIT
YOUR ASSISTANCE IN COMPLETING A TRANSACTION BEGUN BY MY
FATHER, WHO HAS LONG BEEN ACTIVELY ENGAGED IN THE EXTRACTION
OF PETROLEUM IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND BRAVELY
SERVED HIS COUNTRY AS DIRECTOR OF THE UNITED STATES CENTRAL
INTELLIGENCE AGENCY.

IN THE DECADE OF THE NINETEEN-EIGHTIES, MY FATHER, THEN
VICE-PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, SOUGHT TO
WORK WITH THE GOOD OFFICES OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE REPUBLIC
OF IRAQ TO REGAIN LOST OIL REVENUE SOURCES IN THE
NEIGHBORING ISLAMIC REPUBLIC OF IRAN. THIS UNSUCCESSFUL
VENTURE WAS SOON FOLLOWED BY A FALLING OUT WITH HIS IRAQI
PARTNER, WHO SOUGHT TO ACQUIRE ADDITIONAL OIL REVENUE
SOURCES IN THE NEIGHBORING EMIRATE OF KUWAIT, A WHOLLY-OWNED
U.S.-BRITISH SUBSIDIARY.

MY FATHER RE-SECURED THE PETROLEUM ASSETS OF KUWAIT IN 1991
AT A COST OF SIXTY-ONE BILLION U.S. DOLLARS
($61,000,000,000). OUT OF THAT COST, THIRTY-SIX BILLION
DOLLARS ($36,000,000,000) WERE SUPPLIED BY HIS PARTNERS IN
THE KINGDOM OF SAUDI ARABIA AND OTHER PERSIAN GULF
MONARCHIES, AND SIXTEEN BILLION DOLLARS ($16,000,000,000) BY
GERMAN AND JAPANESE PARTNERS. BUT MY FATHER’S FORMER IRAQI
BUSINESS PARTNER REMAINED IN CONTROL OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ
AND ITS PETROLEUM RESERVES.

MY FAMILY IS CALLING FOR YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE IN FUNDING
THE REMOVAL OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ AND
ACQUIRING THE PETROLEUM ASSETS OF HIS COUNTRY, AS
COMPENSATION FOR THE COSTS OF REMOVING HIM FROM
POWER. UNFORTUNATELY, OUR PARTNERS FROM 1991 ARE NOT WILLING
TO SHOULDER THE BURDEN OF THIS NEW VENTURE, WHICH IN ITS
UPCOMING PHASE MAY COST THE SUM OF 100 BILLION TO 200
BILLION DOLLARS ($100,000,000,000 – $200,000,000,000), BOTH
IN THE INITIAL ACQUISITION AND IN LONG-TERM MANAGEMENT.

WITHOUT THE FUNDS FROM OUR 1991 PARTNERS, WE WOULD NOT BE
ABLE TO ACQUIRE THE OIL REVENUE TRAPPED WITHIN IRAQ. THAT IS
WHY MY FAMILY AND OUR COLLEAGUES ARE URGENTLY SEEKING YOUR
GRACIOUS ASSISTANCE. OUR DISTINGUISHED COLLEAGUES IN THIS
BUSINESS TRANSACTION INCLUDE THE SITTING VICE-PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, RICHARD CHENEY, WHO IS AN
ORIGINAL PARTNER IN THE IRAQ VENTURE AND FORMER HEAD OF THE
HALLIBURTON OIL COMPANY, AND CONDOLEEZA RICE, WHOSE
PROFESSIONAL DEDICATION TO THE VENTURE WAS DEMONSTRATED IN
THE NAMING OF A CHEVRON OIL TANKER AFTER HER.

I WOULD BESEECH YOU TO TRANSFER A SUM EQUALING TEN TO
TWENTY-FIVE PERCENT (10-25 %) OF YOUR YEARLY INCOME TO OUR
ACCOUNT TO AID IN THIS IMPORTANT VENTURE. THE INTERNAL
REVENUE SERVICE OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA WILL
FUNCTION AS OUR TRUSTED INTERMEDIARY. I PROPOSE THAT YOU
MAKE THIS TRANSFER BEFORE THE FIFTEENTH (15TH) OF THE MONTH
OF APRIL.

I KNOW THAT A TRANSACTION OF THIS MAGNITUDE WOULD MAKE
ANYONE APPREHENSIVE AND WORRIED. BUT I AM ASSURING YOU THAT
ALL WILL BE WELL AT THE END OF THE DAY. A BOLD STEP TAKEN
SHALL NOT BE REGRETTED, I ASSURE YOU. PLEASE DO BE INFORMED
THAT THIS BUSINESS TRANSACTION IS 100% LEGAL. IF YOU DO NOT
WISH TO CO-OPERATE IN THIS TRANSACTION, PLEASE CONTACT OUR
INTERMEDIARY REPRESENTATIVES TO FURTHER DISCUSS THE MATTER.

I PRAY THAT YOU UNDERSTAND OUR PLIGHT. MY FAMILY AND OUR
COLLEAGUES WILL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL. PLEASE REPLY IN STRICT
CONFIDENCE TO THE CONTACT NUMBERS BELOW.

SINCERELY WITH WARM REGARDS,

GEORGE WALKER BUSH

To hear the punditry chatter about it, you could be forgiven for thinking that the WMD/intelligence investigation is a whitewash whose script is already written. They keep referring to investigation into intelligence “failures.” The premise, implicitly, is that intelligence “failures” are at fault for the US’ illegal invasion and occupation of Iraq. Excuse me, but what about the possibility — for which there is ample evidence — that our fearless leaders knew what time it was and lied about it to the public?
Remember last February and again in April when a hundred thousand of my closest friends and I demonstrated in the streets of New York (and elsewhere around the world) shouting at the top of our lungs that the adminstration’s justifications were bullshit? I guess that’s gone down the memory hole.
Didn’t Paul Wolfowitz acknowledge in an interview with Vanity Fair, essentially, that the administration adopted the WMD angle because they knew it would sell? “It was the one reason everyone could agree on.” That it was a lie is incidental.
Didn’t Paul O’Neill say publicly (in a CBS news interview, January 11, 2004) that the Bushites began planning the invasion in January of 2001? Why would he make that up?
Granted, it is hard to overestimate the incompetence of our intelligence services. But here’s the problem I’m having. When you assert a negative, and you turn out to be wrong, that’s one thing. Example: “We don’t think the dude has WMD because we have searched systematically for a long time and found no evidence that he does.” Then suppose you’re mistaken and he does have WMD. “Oops, my bad. Sorry.” But when you assert a positive and you’re wrong, you better explain yourself. Example: “we are certain the dude has WMD.” Why? “Because.” Because what? “Can’t tell ya. It’s a secret.” OK, now we fast forward to today: no WMD. What’s the story? “Well, ya see, intelligence is never 100% right or 100% wrong.” Yeah right. The director of the CIA will fall on his sword — sort of — and the “bilateral” panel chosen by dubya will take until after the election to complete its whitewash.
Get the fuck outa here.

I almost got out of bed this morning to watch dubya talk with tim russert. But I thought better of it and went back to dreamland. I am very religious and every Sunday attend the church of Our Lady of the Holy Mattress. I saw excerpts of the interview on the news and as I figured, it just made me shout at the tube. After the bay of pigs debacle JFK simply said – sorry, my fault – and then made sure he didn’t do that again. Got rid of the advisors who had led him astray and picked people he could trust to be honest. Unfortunately, dubya doesn’t think for himself and therefore can’t follow that example. I am heartened by the recent polls but I still don’t think anybody can survive the massive corporate propaganda, donation driven machine of the dubya. I despair.
A great statesman of recent history said (I paraphrase, sorry) “It is the great fortune for government that the people don’t think” How true, how true. As it was then, it is now.
The people who wave the flag the hardest and cheer the tax cuts are the least able to survive. They are the lottery ticket buyers who routinely throw away $50 to a $100 dollars every week. Even more aggravating when they slow the line at the boozeteria. I’m all for gambling; the more casinos the better – put slot machines on street corners. Make all of it legal but let the government take charge! Can’t we all be indians?? I’m a member of the Slipskabonerupdepoopshute’s tribe. Here in CT they invent tribes all the time. It has become a cottage industry.
Then we can cut taxes to the bone and sit back and watch the anti-tax folks throw their money into the governments coffers. And they will do it without realizing what is happening. William Bennet can urge them on.
Back to the people interfering with my purchase of a nice Vernaccia from San Gimignano – I often want to ask them to give me the money if they don’t really want it but they just get all testy. OK, I can see the reaction coming about how manipulative this concept is – the lets get rid of gambling period folks who protest the exploitation of the masses. I agree. But when you consider that these masses are the same people who want to get rid of all taxation so they can spend their money as they choose?
So the great statesman, much admired in certain circles and considered one the most influential leaders of the 20th century that I quoted?? Adolph Hitler.

I’ve got a couple of friends who watch a lot of Fox News. One person in particular, a good friend who lives across the street from me. When I go into his house more often than not he’s got good old Fair and Balanced oozing from his vegbox. Remarkably, this is a person of considerable intelligence and whose judgement and opinions I otherwise generally respect. This one goes out to youse all:

My Dear Friends,

Why do you watch that shit? Haven’t I told you time and again it’s full of lies, distortions and propaganda? Well here’s some more evidence for that proposition, quoted from AlterNet.org.
You can read the study itself here.

Yeah I added the yellow highlighting and the italics. Fox viewers, don’t worry, you can wipe it off your monitor with a soft, clean, damp cloth.